Healing Ourselves.

~Yes I know two blog posts in one day but I didn’t think this fit in with my random update.~


Yesterday in the Dr’s office as I mentioned earlier they asked me the weight of all my children born.I should say this is a local clinic and will not be my normal Dr once my insurance kicks in.

I gave them the closest weight of all my children at birth. Well all my children that had lived.

She actually asked the birthweight of Reed…my child that had been born at 26 weeks.

For a brief moment I looked at her and in my head saw myself screaming,”Are you serious you want me to remember the weight of my baby that went home to be with God while in my arms? Really?”

I imagined myself clawing the nurses eyes out for being so insensitive.Instead I gathered myself and my sanity and answered her in my best adult voice which I’m sure came out as the “I really can’t believe you’re asking me this” teenage voice….

“Um he was only like 3 pounds because he was ONLY 26 weeks!”

I didn’t think a little thing like Reed’s birthweight would set me off…I guess we never know what will set me off. But at that moment I was back in that hospital room holding my baby again as he drifted off to sleep.

And from that moment on I hated the nurse the rest of the visit.

I wish I could say I relaxed once we saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound.I know better than anyone that a heartbeat can be a very deceiving thing.My own heartbeat deceived me with Reed because it was the only thing that kept him alive the couple of weeks before he was born.Once that cord was cut there was nothing that could save him. Not even his own mother’s heartbeat.

About a month ago Kenna told me she wanted to play soccer this year.She told me she was ready to play again.Me not thinking asked her,”What do you mean you’re ready?”

I’m sure at that moment she had the same reaction I had had to the nurse in the office yesterday.In all her grace she simply answered,”I’m just ready to play again.Now I think I can.”

It hit me like a ton of bricks.Her soccer coach the first year we played was my best friends husband. The husband she lost a year later to suicide.

The husband for the last 3 years we’ve all been working on healing from losing.

Last Friday the girls’ school sent home soccer sign ups.

My daughter will play soccer this year if I have to stand on the street corner and beg for money.

This is her chance to heal. It may not heal her all the way but it will heal a part of her heart.The part that only she knows how to heal.

And it will probably hurt her the first couple of times she steps on that field.Hopefully though,she’ll find some kind of closure that none of us ever got.

Maybe she has thing figured out. Maybe she has realized how to heal ourselves.


About twisteddomesticgoddess

I'm the momma/step momma/ teacher/head cook/ top organizer/ supplier of milk and baby kisses here at Casa La Crazy. Life with 7 kids is rarely dull and usually exciting. Add in 3 cats and one fun loving boyfriend and life is pretty adventurous!Come on in sit down and please bring some extra coffee!

Posted on January 24, 2012, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. It sounds to me like you both are being given a change to heal in your own ways but together at the same time.
    I know what you mean by memories taking you back to a moment, a time of pain. Cody, who was born at 26 weeks (2 lbs 2 ozs), went through a lot so we were at Group Health facilities A LOT! They have this sickening sweet hand soap in the bathrooms at all of them that remind me of all those scary visits. I cried for years everytime I had to wash my hands at a GH doctor’s office. Just this past year they changed soap brands and I cried tears of joy over this soap change! Hope I don’t sound completly nuts.
    I am glad you are sharing your journey through this pregnancy with us. I can’t imagine how emotional it must be (and not just the normal hormonal stuff that comes with it). Hugs to you and Kenna!

  2. Oh Darling,
    You’re a GOOD Mommy for recognizing what Kenna was saying to you. Sometimes I don’t catch what the words really mean until I’m in bed thinking about the day and I think… “Oh crud! THAT’S what that means!” So good for you and your daughter. Hugs my Dear Wendy… xoxo

  3. Oh, I’m so glad Kenna is healing.

  4. The theme I’m aiming for this year to help with healing is “moving on.” It sounds like that is what Kenna is doing. She doesn’t have to play on the same soccer fields that she played on before and this will be a blessing for her. I’m finding for me that sometimes I need to do things to work through some pain and yet be cautious to pay attention to my emotions as I do it. If I start ignoring my emotions, I get into trouble again. Kenna really is amazing!!!!

  5. You’ve been awarded the versatile blogger award by Yep, this is my life… Wanna trade?

    Please stop by and check it out!


  6. This is a bittersweet post but I am glad your daughter has found her way to closure. What a wise girl

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