Walking Through The Fear

Remember how this whole pregnancy thing started?It started with a Monday Listicle….remember Stasha? Top 10 reasons why or why not you should have more kids. Well if you don’t remember mine you can see it here:

https://twisteddomesticgoddess.wordpress.com/2011/11/22/monday-listicles-on-a-tuesday/

Then remember how I said right before Christmas that changes were in the air and everyone thought for sure I was pregnant? It wasn’t it was actually a change in jobs I never got a chance to blog about. I believe Shoes was the one who said it would be fun to start the pregnancy rumor mill on that one!  Little did we all know I really was pregnant.

Well I have another pregnancy secret to share with you….no it’s not twins.

I AM SCARED TO DEATH

No not just scared to death…scared to the point of immobility at times.

And we’re all hoping for a boy..I am scared to death it’s a boy.

To put it bluntly,the last baby boy I gave birth to died in my arms.How does one move past that? How can I ever put this image to rest. It’s been 8 and a half years.I thought I was doing good in the healing process.Yet,as I’ve told many friends who have gone through grieving,there is no right way to grieve.

Obviously there is no right way or pattern,because when I had Holly I was fine. I did not have these fears.

As badly as I want more babies and welcome them with open arms and an open heart,is just how badly my fear has crept back in. The fear I have tried so hard for the past almost decade to keep at bay.

I keep trying to tell myself this is normal. Go ahead and accept the feelings but do not dwell in them.

But the thoughts keep dragging me down,

What if it happens again?(Even though all testing has proven it was a fluke.)

What if I have to drag another partner through something so horrific that NO ONE should have to walk through.

What if it does happen again?I cannot walk through that again…the first time the only thing that kept me sane were my three babies back at home.Even with them though I teetered on the brink of sanity many days. I was broken,heart shattered,how does one heal from that twice?

How can I get others to even remotely understand this unless they’ve walked through this themselves?

It takes every spare amount of energy I can muster to go look at baby stuff.I know Brandon wants to and I try not to shut down when we do, but I find myself becoming snippy and impatient when we do. I have to push myself. Paste the smile on my face…

Brandon asked me yesterday if I was going to let anyone throw me a baby shower.You can see what a proud daddy he is.How excited he is.

I explained to him that in the past years I have only been to two baby showers.One being for a friend that I pushed myself through and cried the whole way home afterward and one being Holly’s.

I want so badly to embrace this pregnancy as much as I did the others.This is a new chapter in our life together and I have no doubt that Brandon will be a wonderful father. I want to be present through this pregnancy.I want to feel the joy I did with the others.

I want to be the loving mother I have grown into being.

This is part of the reason I am going over to Everett. To go visit my Reed.I am hoping it will give me some more closure. Will help me heal a little bit more.Will bring me back to my home ready to embrace this pregnancy and my wonderful family waiting for me here.

Please God let this help.

 

 

About twisteddomesticgoddess

I'm the momma/step momma/ teacher/head cook/ top organizer/ supplier of milk and baby kisses here at Casa La Crazy. Life with 7 kids is rarely dull and usually exciting. Add in 3 cats and one fun loving boyfriend and life is pretty adventurous!Come on in sit down and please bring some extra coffee!

Posted on February 5, 2012, in Pregnancy and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. Job 12:10
    10 For the life of every living thing is in his hand,
    and the breath of every human being.

    Rest in Him and He will help you to conquer your fear. I don’t think you should try force yourself to get past the pain you feel. It hurts deeply and it always will, instead be encouraged and hopefully remembering Reed is with Jesus waiting for you to join him in eternity, you know this. You are a child of the Most High and so is this new little life inside you. Your heavenly father will never give you more than you can handle with His help.

    I wish I could give you a baby shower for this new precious life you are called by God to care for. I love you and I am praying for you. [[[hugs]]]

  2. I am sorry your pregnancy is bringing up such a mixture of emotions, most especially fear. I hope you find peace and healing with this pregnancy, the birth, and your beautiful new baby.

  3. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, but I wish I was there so I could give you a great big hug…(((((HUGS)))))

  4. Hugs to you! I believe that you and your family will heal and that you just have to go about it at your own pace. I am certain that they are all excited about the new one – just as I’m sure you are (even though you’re scared). My thoughts go out to you and your family

  5. I wish I could give you a hug. I’m sorry you have gone thru that. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and I Hope everything goes smoothly and well for you.

  6. Pregnancy should be a time of joy but I understand. I have miscarried 3 times. I understand the fear in the next pregnancy. Two of mine were early 2nd trimester and those were hard on me. Then there is all we have been through with our adopted kids. Loss of kids in any form is HARD. Through all of it, God has had a plan. I haven’t always liked or understood His plan, but as time has gone on am seeing what He is trying to accomplish. It is good. I will pray that you find healing with Reed and even more in the birth of this baby (boy). LOVE YOU!!!

  7. I haven’t been through it so I have no words. I wish I could hug you! This will have to do ((((HUGS)))))) 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: