Walking Through The Fear
Remember how this whole pregnancy thing started?It started with a Monday Listicle….remember Stasha? Top 10 reasons why or why not you should have more kids. Well if you don’t remember mine you can see it here:
Then remember how I said right before Christmas that changes were in the air and everyone thought for sure I was pregnant? It wasn’t it was actually a change in jobs I never got a chance to blog about. I believe Shoes was the one who said it would be fun to start the pregnancy rumor mill on that one! Little did we all know I really was pregnant.
Well I have another pregnancy secret to share with you….no it’s not twins.
I AM SCARED TO DEATH
No not just scared to death…scared to the point of immobility at times.
And we’re all hoping for a boy..I am scared to death it’s a boy.
To put it bluntly,the last baby boy I gave birth to died in my arms.How does one move past that? How can I ever put this image to rest. It’s been 8 and a half years.I thought I was doing good in the healing process.Yet,as I’ve told many friends who have gone through grieving,there is no right way to grieve.
Obviously there is no right way or pattern,because when I had Holly I was fine. I did not have these fears.
As badly as I want more babies and welcome them with open arms and an open heart,is just how badly my fear has crept back in. The fear I have tried so hard for the past almost decade to keep at bay.
I keep trying to tell myself this is normal. Go ahead and accept the feelings but do not dwell in them.
But the thoughts keep dragging me down,
What if it happens again?(Even though all testing has proven it was a fluke.)
What if I have to drag another partner through something so horrific that NO ONE should have to walk through.
What if it does happen again?I cannot walk through that again…the first time the only thing that kept me sane were my three babies back at home.Even with them though I teetered on the brink of sanity many days. I was broken,heart shattered,how does one heal from that twice?
How can I get others to even remotely understand this unless they’ve walked through this themselves?
It takes every spare amount of energy I can muster to go look at baby stuff.I know Brandon wants to and I try not to shut down when we do, but I find myself becoming snippy and impatient when we do. I have to push myself. Paste the smile on my face…
Brandon asked me yesterday if I was going to let anyone throw me a baby shower.You can see what a proud daddy he is.How excited he is.
I explained to him that in the past years I have only been to two baby showers.One being for a friend that I pushed myself through and cried the whole way home afterward and one being Holly’s.
I want so badly to embrace this pregnancy as much as I did the others.This is a new chapter in our life together and I have no doubt that Brandon will be a wonderful father. I want to be present through this pregnancy.I want to feel the joy I did with the others.
I want to be the loving mother I have grown into being.
This is part of the reason I am going over to Everett. To go visit my Reed.I am hoping it will give me some more closure. Will help me heal a little bit more.Will bring me back to my home ready to embrace this pregnancy and my wonderful family waiting for me here.
Please God let this help.