****I am reposting and linking this up to Tesha’s Treasure today. This post happened about a month after I found out I was pregnant with Miss Adrienne. I have had so many mixed emotions during this pregnancy and I want other moms out there to know you need the time to heal yourself.Even when you think you may be all healed from a tragedy something can come up and cause you to “reheal” and deal with all the dirty li’l demons you once had stomped all over.There is no right way to grieve it looks different on everyone.To those moms out there who have an angel watching over them I do want you to know you are not alone. There are days that you may feel like it,but you are not. ****
It was almost fitting that Lane was sick Saturday morning as we headed out of North Bend,through Seattle,to Everett,with only one stop to make.His vomiting had subsided for a bit,so I decided to still make my stop.Sometimes that’s what mothers have to do….make a hard decision like that.It doesn’t mean we love one child less than the other,it means we love all of our children with an intensity that only mothers understand.
It was fitting because 8 and a half years ago while I was in the hospital going through the darkest hours of my life,Lane at only 7 and a half months old was home sick with my mother.I was needed in both places yet could only be found in one.
I was worried I would forget how to navigate my way around the quaint roads of the cemetery.Yet,even though my car had never been there before,it seemed to be on auto pilot.Same trees,same beautiful flowers marking loved ones,and same turn in the road to the saddest part of the whole place,right into the same parking spot I have parked in so many times.
As normal I prayed no other mothers or fathers would be up there. It is one thing to deal with your own grief,but to see others dealing with the same grief almost ends me every single time. The kids quietly and solemnly unbuckled and followed me across the roadway.
Sadly I noticed how many more small markers there were in the infant area. How many more were there really?25?50?It almost seemed the numbers were closer to 100. So many markers in this one area.The thing that choked me up is unlike the other markers in the cemetery that were spaced a good amount apart,these were only about 6 inches apart from each other and then a foot,maybe two above each other.
What if I couldn’t find my baby?What if I came all this way and with all the new markers I just couldn’t find my baby.The kids helped me look as we tried not to notice how close the dates were to each other.Some only a few hours,some a couple weeks at most.
Then I found it. A quick anger welled up inside of me as I swept the wet leaves away with my hands.No mother wants their child cold and wet.Then the tears caught up.It wasn’t the quiet,mournful crying,I really wish it had been.It was the sobbing of the mother surrounded by her own 4 loving children being stared straight in the face with the reality she has tried so hard to deal with and put to rest for almost a decade.
I don’t know how long my children stood supportively by my side.Tears for the brother they have not gotten to grow up with filled their own eyes.The brother that is so lovingly brought up in conversation and never forgotten.After I caught my breath I sent them back to the car.
Silently I held a conversation in my head.A conversation that has been a long time coming.
“Oh baby boy,you know your momma loves you.Thank you for watching over us.I’m so sorry it’s been 5 years since I’ve last been up here but I know you’re with us all the time.I am so so so sorry……I’m just so sorry.”My words at this point became more of the same till I got the tears to subside somewhat.Then I told him the news.The news I’m quite certain he already knows,”You’re going to be a big brother again. I promise you like I’ve promised you before that this baby will know who all of it’s big brothers are.I’m sorry though Reed,I’m sorry that the fear that has engulfed me these last few weeks have come from losing you.I can’t let this fear in anymore.I can’t let this fear destroy me,or the relationships I have with loved ones.I need you to know that.”
I stood for a few quiet moments more trying to wipe away the tears that persisted on still forming.I touched his marker one last time before quietly heading back to the car.No looking back.For I knew if I looked back I would never leave,and my other children needed me.He is safe in the arms of Jesus the ultimate parent.While my other children are still my responsibility and I had a sick little child that needed my attention.
I felt the fear release as I exhaled while getting back into the car.A gentle smile formed over my lips as I looked at the caring,unique,children each of my babies had become. I even felt a faint smile as I wondered what was in store with this coming child.
So you see,it almost seemed fitting that Lane was sick on this particular day.Because it seems that finally things are coming full circle,the real healing has begun.