Exhale and Release
Have you ever been so wrapped up in something and without even knowing it you realized you have been holding your breath?And when you finally release it … IT IS THE GREATEST FEELING EVER. The release that comes over you is a calm and a wave of relaxation you never knew was possible.
Yesterday I was finally able to release after almost 9 years of holding my breath.
And I didn’t even know I had been holding it for that long.
I got the phone call while getting Kenna signed in for her Eye Dr apt. The voice on the other side started by apologizing profusely.
“Wendy?This is Tanya from Deaconess in the perinatal department. I’m so sorry it took me so long to get back to you but I’ve been trying to track down all of Reed’s records.Some of them were not in the computer because of how long ago it happened but I was able to get the genetics and the viral testing results from back then.”
I sucked in a quick breath…now when you’ve been holding your breath,unaware for 9 years,and you take in more it can become almost suffocating.
“And????” I squeaked out as I stepped outside of the office.
“Everything I am looking at shows that both sets of chromosomes were absolutely perfect.All the X’s and Y’s match up just fine.”
She went on to explain more and then I gently cut her off,
“So there is no sign of his heart condition being caused by either me or his father?”
Her answer was the first wave of my release,
“Absolutely no way.”
I drew in a second breath before asking the second question,
“What about the viral and bacteria testing?”
“All negative as well. I wish I had more answers but at this point the answers are:Nothing wrong genetically and he did not have anything viral or bacterial to cause his heart muscles to overdevelop like they did.”
Before I could exhale I had to hear someone answer the question that had been swimming in the back of my head since this first happened,
“So you’re telling me that there is nothing I did,no sickness in the outside world I exposed him to or pre-exisiting condition of one of us had that caused this? His heart defect was not my fault?”
There was not even a pause before her answer of full certainty.
“No this was not your fault. Again I wish I had some clearer answers but I will send you a copy of the records so you can see them yourself.”
I had to ask her again,I had to hear the answer again.
” I did nothing wrong?”
“No Wendy you nor anyone else did anything wrong. ”
“Thank you….thank you so much Tanya.Ok I have to go.” My voice was already starting to tremble from the tears I was holding back.
I had voiced the question I had been holding on to, for the first time ever. For the first time I realized,even if it had been unspoken,I had been living with the guilt that somehow I had caused Reed’s death.I was now living with the guilt and worry that if it was my fault I may be subjecting Brandon into walking through the same thing with Adrienne.And now I had been released from that guilt.
The release was amazing.
I could breathe again.
There was new hope forming in my heart.
I wanted to cry,I did cry.
I wanted to jump up and down.
I just wanted to be….guilt free…and know I had done everything I could for my sweet baby boy.
I DID NOTHING WRONG
ONE MORE STEP IN THE JOURNEY OF HEALING
ONE MORE STEP TOWARDS CLOSURE
I am amazed at all the different gifts the pregnancy of Adrienne has brought me and am eternally thankful.
I thank God with all my heart that for the beautiful baby girl growing inside of me,my son that sits at His feet, and the man who is walking so diligently beside me during this time in my life.