26 weeks

I haven’t blogged a whole lot about the pregnancy lately. Everything is going fine..in fact..everything is going to the best of my memory the way a normal pregnancy should go.

Which should make me feel good about everything and it does

Except these damn demons just won’t go away.

You see we’re on our 26th week. The same week in which my world was turned upside down with the news that Reed would not live. In less then 24 hours I went from a normal pregnancy to one that had ended in a death sentence.

Try and wrap your mind around that…I still to this day cannot.

I am holding up pretty well well at least most days. Then something will trigger the tears,or the anxiety,or the fear.

Usually it’s when we’re in church. Last week they played one of the songs from Reed’s memorial service. Before that they sang a song about not walking and living in fear. Ironic no?

People mean well and I know my friends and family try to comfort me when they say things like:

But Adrienne has showed up healthy on all the ultrasounds.

Well so did Reed just two weeks before everything turned upside down.

Adrienne’s heartbeat is strong and steady

So was Reed’s right until he was born.

It won’t happen again.

Yeah…I never have an answer for this one.

These are the downfalls if being what I like to call a “realist”

I know I can handle bringing home a healthy newborn baby I haven’t had to prepare myself for that.I have however had to prepare myself for the “what if” of Adrienne having the same problem. I know you shouldn’t live in the what ifs. It doesn’t help anything at all.It’s like saying,”what if I get cancer.” Except when you’ve already walked through your worst nightmare,you know there has to be some preparation of the what ifs.

I was not consumed like this when I was pregnant with Holly. I firmly believed God would not let me walk through something like this again. And it’s not like now I believe God would “punish” me but well what if up till now I’ve handled the walk too well?

Another reason I was not fearful with Holly was because well honestly my marriage at that point was already over and had been for awhile. I handled everything on my own with Reed and knew I could again if it happened.

This time I have someone by my side who cares and loves more than anyone I’ve ever known in my life.

This should make me feel better not worst. This should give me hope.

Instead it fills me with fear at times. Fear of how he would handle it if something went wrong.No other human being should have to walk through that.

We had a major breakthrough this last weekend where I did share these fears and concerns with him. It was something I had not spoken out loud to him up until this point.

Today is our 26 week ultrasounds. In some ways I feel like it is going to be a victory for us. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. In my heart I know she will be fine and we will have passed one more milestone.

In my heart also though is this grief and fear I just can’t get to pass.

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About twisteddomesticgoddess

I'm the momma/step momma/ teacher/head cook/ top organizer/ supplier of milk and baby kisses here at Casa La Crazy. Life with 7 kids is rarely dull and usually exciting. Add in 3 cats and one fun loving boyfriend and life is pretty adventurous!Come on in sit down and please bring some extra coffee!

Posted on June 8, 2012, in Pregnancy, Reed's Saga, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. Oh the dumb things we say to make others…no ourselves feel better when someone is struggling. I am so sorry you have had to deal with that…your current fear is SO understandable. When my mom died, the worst line I heard was “Try to see the silver lining.” What the hell are you saying was all I could think? I managed to walk away without punching this woman in the face…she was a school counselor! I had to extend a ton of grace and forgiveness later on.

    I am praying for your whole family including your newest little joy! Again…your fear and concern is completely understandable. Wish I could hug you too and sit and listen over coffee.

  2. People always mean well, but if they have not been down the same road it is impossible to understand. I have not had another pregnancy yet, as my daughter passed away just 2 months ago, but I think about it all the time and just the thought of being pregnant again brings up all of the same fears you mentioned. I know we don’t know each other, but I will say a prayer for you!

    • Thank you so much for stopping and commenting. I know at only 2 months since your emotions are still so raw and open that it probably took a lot. While I do have so many fears I’m also learning how to walk through them and manage them and realize that their is a rainbow at the end of this storm that changed my life almost 9 years ago. Please come by and visit anytime and you are in my prayers as well.

  3. Oh, my friend, I am so sorry you have to go through this. For what it is worth I think the fear, grief and what ifs are normal considering all you have faced in the past. And I understand that having B there now to help and love you can in a way make it harder because you also want to protect him.
    Wishing you all a perfectly wonderfully normal 26 weeks ultrasound.

    • Of course everything looked fine and there were no tears at all…thankfully. In 2 weeks we have her echo. I’m trying to take on a “bring it on” kind of attitude…ya know because I’m totally tough like that!

  4. Oh wendy wishing I could hug you. And im always getting knocked for being a realist my prayers are with you

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