I haven’t blogged a whole lot about the pregnancy lately. Everything is going fine..in fact..everything is going to the best of my memory the way a normal pregnancy should go.
Which should make me feel good about everything and it does
Except these damn demons just won’t go away.
You see we’re on our 26th week. The same week in which my world was turned upside down with the news that Reed would not live. In less then 24 hours I went from a normal pregnancy to one that had ended in a death sentence.
Try and wrap your mind around that…I still to this day cannot.
I am holding up pretty well well at least most days. Then something will trigger the tears,or the anxiety,or the fear.
Usually it’s when we’re in church. Last week they played one of the songs from Reed’s memorial service. Before that they sang a song about not walking and living in fear. Ironic no?
People mean well and I know my friends and family try to comfort me when they say things like:
But Adrienne has showed up healthy on all the ultrasounds.
Well so did Reed just two weeks before everything turned upside down.
Adrienne’s heartbeat is strong and steady
So was Reed’s right until he was born.
It won’t happen again.
Yeah…I never have an answer for this one.
These are the downfalls if being what I like to call a “realist”
I know I can handle bringing home a healthy newborn baby I haven’t had to prepare myself for that.I have however had to prepare myself for the “what if” of Adrienne having the same problem. I know you shouldn’t live in the what ifs. It doesn’t help anything at all.It’s like saying,”what if I get cancer.” Except when you’ve already walked through your worst nightmare,you know there has to be some preparation of the what ifs.
I was not consumed like this when I was pregnant with Holly. I firmly believed God would not let me walk through something like this again. And it’s not like now I believe God would “punish” me but well what if up till now I’ve handled the walk too well?
Another reason I was not fearful with Holly was because well honestly my marriage at that point was already over and had been for awhile. I handled everything on my own with Reed and knew I could again if it happened.
This time I have someone by my side who cares and loves more than anyone I’ve ever known in my life.
This should make me feel better not worst. This should give me hope.
Instead it fills me with fear at times. Fear of how he would handle it if something went wrong.No other human being should have to walk through that.
We had a major breakthrough this last weekend where I did share these fears and concerns with him. It was something I had not spoken out loud to him up until this point.
Today is our 26 week ultrasounds. In some ways I feel like it is going to be a victory for us. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. In my heart I know she will be fine and we will have passed one more milestone.
In my heart also though is this grief and fear I just can’t get to pass.