Category Archives: Uncategorized

The new blog is up!

After some screaming and crying and waking up at 4 am to put just a simple new blog layout and blog button together it is up! This will be my last post on Twisted Domestic Goddess. You can now find me over at

Munchkins and Mayhem at Casa La Crazy

Twisted has been a fun blog but like I said before times they are a changin….and it was time for me to switch up! I really hope you’ll hop over there read my first post,leave me some love and come back for more!

Munchkins and Mayhem at Casa La Crazy

 

 

See you at Casa La Crazy friends!

 

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Some cuteness to hold you over till i really blog again

Adrienne had her two week check up. The week before she had dropped down to 7lbs 4oz (which is normal) This week she was a whopping 8lbs 2oz! She had also grown an inch! Our dr is very happy. My parents were here as well. But I know ya’ll are dying just to see pics!

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Her first outting to the grocery store…she slept the whole time!

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I’m sorry I’m obsessed with any breastfeeding pic I can get of her…I know this time won’t last forever and she is doings so awesome with it!

By next week I should be back up and at it but for now…

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Quick update

 

No baby yet at 38 weeks…just haven’t found much time to blog. Or anything interesting to blog about that doesn’t revolve solely around being pregnant. Watch now that I’ve said that I’ll knock one out of the park here soon.

I just wanted to pop in and say hi to all my friends and readers and promise to have something fun to read soon!

13 year old boys

13 year old boys are greasy,loud,and video game obsessed…at least that’s my experience with the ones I used to hang out with. Although back when I was 13 I’m pretty sure we only had the original Nintendo to keep them busy.

My 13 year old boy is no different…hormones have turned him into a giant grease ball on most days and well he’d much rather play video games then do anything else…oh and he gets his loudness from somewhere just not sure where? 🙂

Yet..Nathaniel never ceases to amaze me either.

Yes dear readers this is where I take a minute to scratch my head and wonder how I ever got so lucky.

Even through the occasional outbreak of yelling and defiance which has actually become even less than I had expected,somehow my son has turned out to be ok.

While attempting to make dinner the other night and making a huge mess while doing so(Think King Midas,but instead of the “golden touch” I have acquired the ” clumsy touch.”) Nathaniel informed me,

” Mom after we eat dinner I’m sending you straight up to bed. I’ll take care of the rest.”

I assured him I was fine just a little more clumsy than usual. He told me he knew I was fine but that i was pregnant you know and needed my rest and he’d make sure the kids showered and went to bed on time.

As with any other 13 year old boy’s proposition I was a bit leery at first.

But not only did he make sure that yes kids got showered and went to bed on time,some even early,the next day he had me show him how to make crock pot BBQ chicken for dinner and took care of the veggies as well.

I really have been blessed with an awesome bunch of  kiddos.

He has been such a huge help as well as still being able to stay a child at heart.

I must’ve done something halfway right and I thank God for His guidance in it all every day.

With all the crap my kids have been through in their short lives they seem to still get the true value of life and family an helping others.

I am a very very very Lucky Momma

 

 

No Title Adequate Enough

I have had this post in my head all week long. I have been doing the mental countdown in my head since last week. I knew these words were something that needed to come out,I just wasn’t sure how they should come out. You see for many of us that were involved in the event 3 years ago we’re past being angry…past crying daily over it…yet when I think back to the summer of 2009 I’m not sure how any of us are still standing let alone a stronger unit of family and friends then ever before.We lost one of our members earlier this year and I think at least for me and my bestie it sent us reeling into a thought that there was one less person out there who truly understood what we all had gone through.

I hate the span of week that June 30th and July 5th falls into. The fact that our Countries birthday falls in it really just sucks. July 4th used to be one of my favorite holidays filled with memories I have shared with you all. The past 3 years though it has become a week that I just need to survive through.

3 years ago yesterday my best friend lost her husband in a moment no one should ever have to live through. In her late 20’s and an instant she became a widow with 4 young kids. Those of us,family and friends,closest to her were sent into a state of shock as well.

I remember when I first met my best friend and her husband. They were Kenna’s soccer coaches. I was living in the small town of Williams and at that point in a pretty crappy relationship. The first conversation I ever had with my best friend consisted of me teasing her because she had shown up to a very early morning soccer game with sunglasses on. She claimed she just had a headache…I teased I  knew EXACTLY what that headache had come from

From there the relationship grew. Our oldest daughters quickly became best friends as the other kids willingly played together. Before long the two of us were inseparable.  Her husband was an amazing coach for Kenna and when I left the relationship I was in he stepped up and helped my boys with the “man things” they needed to learn about. I remember him pointing out once at the way Nathaniel was sitting with his legs crossed and teasing it wasn’t a very “manly” way to sit.  When I would leave for my road trips he would always go put air in my tires and make sure the car was “safe” for travels.

as my then 4 year old Holly reminded me later the night he died as she sat crying in the bathtub too young to fully understand everything that had happened,

” Mommy Manny promised he would always be there for us…and now he can’t because he’s gone….he’s just gone.”

I am not sure any of my kids have ever spoken anymore gut wrenching words and that image still haunts me to this day.

What followed after that night was a summer I can never forget. I remember telling my kids that this summer would be spent helping Patty and her kids in any capacity possible. I remember feeling so proud of my kids as their response was,

“Of course mom.”

I remember the day before his funeral my car door got slammed into by another car. I remember instinctively wanting to call my best friend and then stopping and thinking…she just lost her husband a broken car door isn’t going to mean shit to her in comparison.In a way we had not only lost my best friends husband but we had lost my best friend.

I remember calling my dad in tears knowing now on top of everything else I was going to have to deal with insurance companies and getting my door fixed and ….yeah…where was the blanket for me to just hide under.

The summer of 2009 was one that no person should really ever have to live through. Some days were better than others when I would go visit and the kids would play and we would pump up the music and enjoy pizza and a few drinks. We quickly made this a weekly ritual but it took a long time to get to that point.

First we had to go through the pain,the loss,the anger,start the healing. My friend had to deal with the downfall of something tragic while living in a small town. She had to deal with the stares and the whispers,and the pity looks. You see though, my best friend is a very strong person and she didn’t let that get to her. She put her children first and did what she needed to do.

3 years later and we both live in different states. Me in Washington and her in Texas. I can never say I understand fully what she went through I just know how it affected my kids and myself. There were many late night phone calls back and forth. Many days I would call just to make sure she had eaten that day or if she just needed a friend.

That summer we all learned a lot about ourselves. Our kids had to learn lessons that honestly no child should ever have to but because of that all 8 of them have a better understanding of how precious life is.

I sent out the text last night at dinner time. I wanted her to know I was thinking of her. I told her she needed to pack up the kiddos and just come up here. I suck at taking care of people from afar.

I sent out a text to Manny’s dad as well. Even though we’re all in 3 different states we’re all connected for the rest of our lives.

This was something none of us should ever have to live through…especially my best friend and her children but somehow we’ve all come out of it with our heads still above water. I am so proud of her and her children.

So to my bestie…you’re one in a million,a true survivor, and I love you now and forever.

 

26 weeks

I haven’t blogged a whole lot about the pregnancy lately. Everything is going fine..in fact..everything is going to the best of my memory the way a normal pregnancy should go.

Which should make me feel good about everything and it does

Except these damn demons just won’t go away.

You see we’re on our 26th week. The same week in which my world was turned upside down with the news that Reed would not live. In less then 24 hours I went from a normal pregnancy to one that had ended in a death sentence.

Try and wrap your mind around that…I still to this day cannot.

I am holding up pretty well well at least most days. Then something will trigger the tears,or the anxiety,or the fear.

Usually it’s when we’re in church. Last week they played one of the songs from Reed’s memorial service. Before that they sang a song about not walking and living in fear. Ironic no?

People mean well and I know my friends and family try to comfort me when they say things like:

But Adrienne has showed up healthy on all the ultrasounds.

Well so did Reed just two weeks before everything turned upside down.

Adrienne’s heartbeat is strong and steady

So was Reed’s right until he was born.

It won’t happen again.

Yeah…I never have an answer for this one.

These are the downfalls if being what I like to call a “realist”

I know I can handle bringing home a healthy newborn baby I haven’t had to prepare myself for that.I have however had to prepare myself for the “what if” of Adrienne having the same problem. I know you shouldn’t live in the what ifs. It doesn’t help anything at all.It’s like saying,”what if I get cancer.” Except when you’ve already walked through your worst nightmare,you know there has to be some preparation of the what ifs.

I was not consumed like this when I was pregnant with Holly. I firmly believed God would not let me walk through something like this again. And it’s not like now I believe God would “punish” me but well what if up till now I’ve handled the walk too well?

Another reason I was not fearful with Holly was because well honestly my marriage at that point was already over and had been for awhile. I handled everything on my own with Reed and knew I could again if it happened.

This time I have someone by my side who cares and loves more than anyone I’ve ever known in my life.

This should make me feel better not worst. This should give me hope.

Instead it fills me with fear at times. Fear of how he would handle it if something went wrong.No other human being should have to walk through that.

We had a major breakthrough this last weekend where I did share these fears and concerns with him. It was something I had not spoken out loud to him up until this point.

Today is our 26 week ultrasounds. In some ways I feel like it is going to be a victory for us. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. In my heart I know she will be fine and we will have passed one more milestone.

In my heart also though is this grief and fear I just can’t get to pass.

Opening Our Hearts through Adoption

In case you’ve missed the oh so subtle hinting on here as well as on the ever so addicting Facebook…let me fill you in:

AHEM Attention Attention It’s MY BIRTHDAY WEEK!!!!!

OH WAIT it’s also Kenna’s Birthday week! But that’s a post for maybe tomorrow…on our real birthday.

Oh and T minus one day until we get to go feed tigers….real striped,growling,man eating,tigers.

sounds like the perfect birthday right?

I thought you’d agree.

But this post is not so much about how we’re going to celebrate our Birthday as much as it is a reflection post. No not of the amazing person it has taken me almost 35 years to become,but of my beginnings.

This is my earliest birth picture:

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This is on the first day my mom and dad got to finally hold me and dare to believe that their dreams of becoming a parent were coming true…finally.

I was 4 weeks old in this picture and from what I’ve been told about that day they had 12 hours(or maybe it was 8) to decide if they wanted to adopt me or not. They drove down to the adoption agency and picked me up and took me back to a hotel where they promptly counted all my fingers and toes. Amazingly 35 years later I still have all 20 of them.

My parents waited 10 years for me. 10 years to become parents.

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Obviously they made the right choice because this is me a week later at our house.

I do not know my birth mother or my birth family. Adoptions were much more closed int he late 70’s. I do know however I was the 7th child my birthmom had, and that my birthmom must’ve had one of the biggest hearts ever.

I have held one of my own babies shortly after giving birth knowing I would not get to see them grow into the person they were meant to be. I know the pain and the heartache. My birthmom willingly made this choice because she knew she couldn’t provide me with everything needed. She willingly made the decision to give me to a family that could provide me with the essentials a baby needs,as well as all the love.

I cannot even imagine.

And I cannot even imagine waiting 10 years waiting to fulfill my dreams of becoming a parent.

We all know if there’s only one thing I got from my birthmom it was her gift of fertility.

To wait 10 years…would kill me.

For my parents to be willing to open up their homes to a baby that was not biologically theirs. That takes a pretty huge heart as well.

To walk through the fear that for the first 12 months my birthmom could change her mind at anytime and ask for me back must have been heart wrenching.

Thank you for not changing your mind because as hard as your decision had to have been, you made the right one.

35 years ago you not only made the right choice for yourself but you made the right choice for your birth daughter as well as a couple that had waited far to long to become the parents they knew they were meant to be.

Thank you to both sets of parents for being so unselfish.

To my birthmom  who so unselfishly gave me up

and to my parents who so unselfishly and lovingly took in a baby who may not have been biologically theirs,but never felt the difference a day in her life.

Thank You and Happy Birthday to all of you as well.

 

 

 

Quick check in

Well I’m typing this on my phone so please excuse any typos. The kids and I have been at the new house since Tuesday and all I can say is we love it! I mean what’s not to love about a place where you babe to drag the kids in for bed because they’ve all too busy playing with neighbors?

Today is big moving day. Brandon and friends will be bringing the big moving truck with all of our things. I’m so happy and feel so very blessed. We dont have internet yet but just bad to check in and let everyone know we’re doin great

Here We Go Again….

Blah we didn’t get the house. It’s not,not getting the house that bugs me so much as in the matter in which it was handled.No phone call all day yesterday and they re posted the house online.When I called I was constantly transferred to voice mail and then when I finally did get through to the lady she gave me the reasons why and said but I won’t have a firm answer till Monday.HMMMM if I back out on the deal i don’t get my money back…if they give me an answer they have to give me my money back.I have 300 dollars I’m waiting to get back. OYYYY VEYYY.

So…I’m grumpy

And…I’m pissy

The thought of having to look at more houses instead of moving forward in the way I want honestly rips at my gut. I’m looking at another house today. Pretty sure the size of the upstairs living room was not much bigger than my Ford Explorer,when I looked through the window yesterday. However if the downstairs family room is of fair size we could make this work.

That’s what I do…I make things work.

So instead of being all pissy and moody on here to all of my dear bloggy friends,I’m going to join up on

And answer there Saturday 9 questions before going on to bust my butt on this house search,while B is equally if not more so busting his butt at work.

I figure a little fun Meme post might just be what the doctor has ordered.

(On a side not it’s def time for my belly button ring to come out and the thought of taking it out grosses me out but my belly button is pushing out and it hurts and this is making me EVEN more lovely to be around….Someone knock me out and just take it out for me,50 bucks to the first taker.)

Alright back to the questions at hand:

1. Have you ever had a romantic breakup that was easy? I’m pretty sure back in the second grade when I told Joe yes I would be his girlfriend and he bought me a Friendship Bear Carebear mug for my birthday and then Kiley bought me a Carebear mug with ALL of the Carebears on it including the cousins and well it was obvious who liked me more…I had to cut Joe loose. But you know I told him we could still be friends. Funny enough both are still my friends on facebook…I’m sure they would laugh over the fact that yes I STILL have the Carebear mugs.
2. When was the first time that you felt betrayed? When my friend Sarah who shared the same love for New Kids On The Block as I did and had been one of my best friends for 3 years decided that ….nope we should no longer be friends. Uh Gee thanks because middle school isn’t awkward enough.
3. Do you feel religious beliefs should have a role in politics? I see nothing wrong with knowing where a canidates relgious views stand. This country was founded on having freedom in religion and I think it should continue this way.
4. Are you doing anything special this weekend? PFFFTTTT….house hunting.Oh and lesson planning and grabbing a TV from storage so I can hook the DVD player up in MY bedroom and be able to zone out in front of some Teen Titans…ya know because I’m so grown up like that.
5. Oreo cookies turned 100 years old this week. How do YOU eat an Oreo? Gosh I’m not a huge Oreo fan but now that you mention it to this pregnant mommy they do sound kinda good. I’m a twist apart and lick kinda girl the whole way.What?Like this surprises any of you?
6. If you could change something about yourself, what would it be? That I could find a place for our family to live.I wish that B would come home from work one day I’d tell him I got the perfect house and not only would I love it but he would love it as well…
7. Describe a time when you should have tried harder. I wish I would’ve tried harder when it came to competitive swimming. I was good..I just kind of gave up.
8. What is your favorite baseball-related movie? The Sandlot hands down. I’m not a big baseball fan but that movie always reminds me of growing up with all my guy buddies and endless summer days. Besides…the scene where they all try chew for the first time is right up there with the pie eating contest scene from Stand By Me…priceless.(See I didn’t even post a pic this time.)
9. What is one lesson you have learned in the past year? That I’m done running…no matter what I have to stick things out. It’s a hard lesson to swallow sometimes for someone who is used to just packing it up and moving on when things get rough but so far I’m hanging in there….by a thread.
Well I hear the munchkins rising downstairs and I suppose they want to eat.It IS a beautiful day outside again and I am very grateful that my oldest will babysit while I go into town to look at this house so they can play outside and enjoy some sun.
Me well I’m gonna shower,put my big girl panties on, and blare some Offspring in the cd player while I tackle this house hunt. Ya know nothing makes you feel better then a little old school Offspring:
“Original Prankster”

Until the break of dawn
Life life
Cannot go by the letter
Time time
Prozac can make it better
Noise noise
Any kind will do
Can you feel it slip away
When it’s all on you Crime crime
Rockin’ like Janet Reno
Time time
Eighteen and life in Chino
Freud Freud
All along it’s true
Well you’ll see there comes a day
Catches up to you

Knock down the walls, it’s alive in you
Knock down the place, you’re alone it’s true
Knock down the world, it’s alive in you
You gotta keep your head up through it all
You’re gonna
Bust out on it – original prankster
Break out yeah – original yeah
Bust out on it – original prankster
You never stop now, stop now
That’s what the main man say

You know it smells like shit
Goddamn
Tag team the double header
Son of Sam
Fire always makes it better
Navigate
With style and aplomb
Cause wherever you’re at
That’s the tip you’s on

Lies, lies
Says he’s down in the Bahamas
Tries tries
Bangin’ little hoochie mamas
No way
None of this is true
Well he’ll see there comes a day
When the joke’s on you yeah

Dime dime
So good to see ya
Nine nine
Don’t want to be ya
Crime crime
Fine sensimilla

Healing Ourselves.

~Yes I know two blog posts in one day but I didn’t think this fit in with my random update.~

 

Yesterday in the Dr’s office as I mentioned earlier they asked me the weight of all my children born.I should say this is a local clinic and will not be my normal Dr once my insurance kicks in.

I gave them the closest weight of all my children at birth. Well all my children that had lived.

She actually asked the birthweight of Reed…my child that had been born at 26 weeks.

For a brief moment I looked at her and in my head saw myself screaming,”Are you serious you want me to remember the weight of my baby that went home to be with God while in my arms? Really?”

I imagined myself clawing the nurses eyes out for being so insensitive.Instead I gathered myself and my sanity and answered her in my best adult voice which I’m sure came out as the “I really can’t believe you’re asking me this” teenage voice….

“Um he was only like 3 pounds because he was ONLY 26 weeks!”

I didn’t think a little thing like Reed’s birthweight would set me off…I guess we never know what will set me off. But at that moment I was back in that hospital room holding my baby again as he drifted off to sleep.

And from that moment on I hated the nurse the rest of the visit.

I wish I could say I relaxed once we saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound.I know better than anyone that a heartbeat can be a very deceiving thing.My own heartbeat deceived me with Reed because it was the only thing that kept him alive the couple of weeks before he was born.Once that cord was cut there was nothing that could save him. Not even his own mother’s heartbeat.

About a month ago Kenna told me she wanted to play soccer this year.She told me she was ready to play again.Me not thinking asked her,”What do you mean you’re ready?”

I’m sure at that moment she had the same reaction I had had to the nurse in the office yesterday.In all her grace she simply answered,”I’m just ready to play again.Now I think I can.”

It hit me like a ton of bricks.Her soccer coach the first year we played was my best friends husband. The husband she lost a year later to suicide.

The husband for the last 3 years we’ve all been working on healing from losing.

Last Friday the girls’ school sent home soccer sign ups.

My daughter will play soccer this year if I have to stand on the street corner and beg for money.

This is her chance to heal. It may not heal her all the way but it will heal a part of her heart.The part that only she knows how to heal.

And it will probably hurt her the first couple of times she steps on that field.Hopefully though,she’ll find some kind of closure that none of us ever got.

Maybe she has thing figured out. Maybe she has realized how to heal ourselves.